Sunday, April 29, 2012

I quit!

I am a terrible procrastinator.  Awful.  I will put things off until the last possible second every time.  I don't know's just who I am.  Company coming tonight?  I'm probably still in my comfy pants with the house (and me!) looking a hot mess 30 minutes prior.  But dang!  I can whip us into shape FAST!

I'm also a quitter.  I'm not sure when this became a habit, as I used to be a person to see things through to the end no matter what.  After I had Bones (I was all of 16), I was the most stubborn, determined, hard-headed girl you'd ever meet.  I was still in the marching band, I was still a cheerleader, I worked 2 jobs, was in several clubs in school, and still pulled a 3.8 GPA.  I could have quit cheerleading or the band.  Maybe worked just one job, and left some of the school clubs.  But I refused to be a quitter.  Unfortunately looking back, I see I wasn't there for Bones much.  I thought I was doing right by him...but really all I had were sporadic moments here and there.  Thank goodness my parents and siblings stepped to the plate for him, and thank goodness I can make up for lost time now.

Anyway, I went off to college (Bones came along and started preschool) and got another 2.5 jobs.  I was working as often as I could between Wal-Mart, a telemarketing job, and my student-work position I got on campus.  No matter how hard I tried I couldn't make ends meet.  There was always more month than money and the more I worked the further I fell behind in school.  I finally stopped going altogether.  I knew if I failed out I'd lose my campus apartment, but I had no choice.  I became a quitter.

The Hubs offered me a way out (long story for another day) and I jumped at it.  Next thing I knew I was married, living in Florida, and a full time mom of a 2 year old I barely knew.  I decided to try being a good little housewife, but I was no good so I gave up.  I tried cooking, but was no good so I gave up.  I went back to school to be a medical assistant, passed out cold during the phlebotomy class couldn't hack it and gave up.  Got a pretty good job on base and worked there 6 months before being put on bed rest when pregnant with KK.  I had every intention of going back after she was born, but didn't.  I decided to go back to school to be a teacher, but hated it and gave up.  We moved to Texas and I started babysitting, but hated not being able to focus on my own kids and quit.  Went back to school to be a paralegal, quit.  Back to school for accounting, quit.  (Why yes, Sallie Mae and the US Department of Education have me shackled in loans until LONG after I die.  Wish I had known better...)  I've started and quit working out more times than I can count.

When I started homeschooling the kids, The Hubs was terrified I'd give up.  Don't tell him I said this--but I was pretty sure I wouldn't last either.  For the first few weeks, it was bliss.  We all loved it and everything went smooth.  Then we started hitting rough patches.  They seemed like HUGE deals then--enough to threaten to send Bones back to public school.  Funny though, looking back I can't remember what they were.  I started praying,"Lord give me patience!".  God's kind of funny though...He doesn't seem to just hand things over easily.  You ask for patience and He'll teach it to you.  ;)

I'm still a quitter though.

I quit the morning fights to get ready for school.  I quit trying to conform my children to other people's standards and expectations.  I quit trying to make sure my kids don't become weird or geeks.  I quit trying to control every aspect of their lives.  I quit fretting over them being salt and light in a place of darkness.  I quit trying to explain myself to the world.  I quit trying to shove our oddly shaped family into the perfectly square hole.  

We're nearing 3 years in this journey now and I'm not going to lie to y'all and say every day is just peachy.  It's not.  I still have days where I want nothing more than to throw in the towel. Days where sending them to someone else to learn would be great.  But, no matter how much of a quitter you are, you just don't quit on family.  :)

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